At 12:30 EST on March 5, please join this live webcast to learn about this amazing foundation that saves babies lives.  You can’t possibly be doing something more important.

Still not following me on Twitter? Here’s what you’re missing:

 

1.       You know your hygiene standards are slipping when your husband is all suspicious because you took a shower.

 

2.       Today I tested the limits of do-nothingness in the biggest possible way. Maybe they’ll name a black hole after me or something.

 

3.       Working in my kids’ classroom makes me realize that however much they are paying the teachers, it is NOT ENOUGH.

 

4.       Rethinking the whole “I want to die doing something I love.” Because today I hurt myself doing something I love and it totally sucked.

 

5.       An ex-boyfriend just invited me to “become a fan of Booty Sweat” on Facebook. Which tells you a LOT about my past relationships.

 

6.       Tip: When you see a one-star amazon review, check the reviewer’s profile. Most of the time you’ll find a miserable SOB who hates EVERYTHING.

 

7.       Just got an email that instead of ending with “sincerely” or “fondly” it ended with “be amazing.” I don’t think I can handle the pressure.

 

8.       I may never be the gal you turn to for the day’s inspirational quote, but which one of us do you want to go to happy hour with?

 

9.       6YO: “Mom! Why do you look so pretty?” I am so totally going to start wearing makeup.

 

10.   $100 says more US kids can ID Apolo Ohno than the president. On an unrelated note, I am putting a soul patch on all future book covers.

It’s called RECYCLING, people. Save the earth? Heard of it? Aw, hell. The complaint line forms here.

1. I was just about to go for a run, but then I realized there’s no bear chasing me.
2. I get kind of freaked out when at-nice-sweet-god-loving-mom-of-eight follows me. Like I ought to WARN her or something. #notmyproblem right?
3. My 6YO is the ultimate rule-follower. “Mom you talked when the PRINCIPAL was talking.” I’m thinking she gets that from her dad.
4. Me: “Fuck it. I am not washing my face tonight.” Universe: “Excellent! Would you like your festering pimple on your chin or forehead?”
5. News, recipes, chat rooms, shopping–and now printable valentines. Get me an IV and a Depends and I’ll NEVER have to leave my computer.
6. The good news: I did not misplace the third blackberry charger in as many weeks. The bad news: My house is haunted.
7. Me: “Just play like your life depends on it.” Myself: “But it doesn’t.” I: “Do I need to separate you bitches?”
8. In real writing, exclamation points make me cringe. But on twitter, they’re ironic!
9. Hey flower, chocolate and teddy bear people: Stop filling my husband’s head with silly notions of forced affection. (Diamond ppl, carry on.)
10. I’m going to go ahead and become facebook friends with the dude who looks like an axe murderer on the grounds that Ted Bundy looked nice.
11. I’m just glad we’re all over the whole hahahaha-i-PAD-get-it?-it’s-like-a-panty-liner thing. It was getting bloody annoying.
12. You have 17,825 followers and 8 tweets. Wow, you must have said something really fucking good.
13. You know that frazzled, frantic mom with the hysterically bratty, screaming kid you saw at the store today? Yeah, that was me.
14. Helpful banner emblazoned across Trader Joe’s fish sticks: “May contain fish.” In case the FISH STICKS part escaped you. (And also–MAY?)
15. Google is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing. Wait, did I say Google? I meant GOD.
16. Oh, goody! The spammers discovered Skype! Now I can get my viagra/bootleg software/porn fix from just about anywhere.
17. I am so grateful for my hubby and kids. Without them my life would be meaningless and hollow. And also, my Twitter timeline would suck.
18. Why don’t they make a dishwasher that also DRIES the dishes? What? They DO? I am so totally pissed right now.
19. Man, if I was in the market for life insurance, cheap toner or a disaster kit, today would be my Lucky Day.
20. My secret kitchen weapon: Triple the amount of cheese called for in any recipe. (It doesn’t call for cheese? What the hell are you making?)