I always thought I’d be one of those cute pregnant gals. You know, the impossibly stylish ones that are all lean limbs and lustrous hair who don’t even look pregnant from behind, but then they turn sideways and you’re astonished to see they appear to have stuffed a nice, ripe watermelon up under their shirts. Yeah, that didn’t happen for me. Around about the time I saw those two little lines magically appear on the pee stick, I turned into the Pillsbury Dough Girl; from there, I went straight to Linebacker. By the end my neck disappeared almost entirely, and my cankles made Katie Holmes’ tree trunks look positively coltish. Impossibly stylish I was not.

The other day a publicist sent me a link to Apple Seed Maternity and Baby Boutique. Out of morbid curiosity I clicked through. (I still like looking at cute pregnant gals and thinking that if I were to do it again—which I very certainly will not—I could look like that.) But seriously, people, it almost made me want to give it a shot, even though a) I’m way too old, and b) I hear vasectomy-reversals are tricky little procedures. If this dress in particular came with free Botox, I might start popping prenatal vitamins today. Then I got sucked into the how-to video section, and realized those Bella Band people need to start marketing those to the (post) postpartum crowd. They might even rename it the Muffin Topper-Stopper. I know, I’m a genius.

If you’re even thinking about making a person in your body, you need to check it out. Really.

And now I’m starting to suspect you’re trying to steal my job.

Read my latest rant on the people that piss me off in the grocery store here, then check out the spot-on comments.

Should I be worried?

Lots of women got bent out of shape when they saw the recent photos of supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s breathtakingly perfect post-partum body. Yes, just nine months after popping out baby Benjamin, the Brazilian beauty is once again in impossibly-toned catwalk shape. Gisele’s smack-talkers insist that if they had the same mega-salary and the ability to hire a round-the-clock team of chefs and personal trainers, they, too would be rocking those yummy-mummy six pack abs.

Read the rest of this post here (and for the love of lycra, wouldja comment already?).

I’m the number-one twitter mom to watch, according to SheKnows.com. And apparently, she knows. One word: Booya! (Yes, booya is totally a word. So bite me, spell-check.)