Even though I pushed two people clear through it, until recently I never gave my vagina all that much thought. From the looks of her new video, it would appear that Lady Gaga has thought about hers a lot.
In the slightly creepy intro to Born This Way, LG dips her voice Demi-low as she weaves a sci-fi tale of a pair of “mother monsters” who give graphic birth to goodness (which, in the video, looks like George Washington made out of gooey frosting) and evil (a hair-sprayed transsexual Victoria’s Secret model wielding a machine gun). The kaleidoscopic footage of writhing limbs is so cleverly spliced that it genuinely looks as if a pair of twin body stocking-clad Trekkie-nurses are pulling all sorts of… jewelry?… out of what is presumably Gaga’s hoo-ha.
But then things start to get weird. After Gaga breathlessly waxes poetic about pendulums, protection and perfection, the techno beat kicks in and she croons, “It doesn’t matter if you love him or capital H-I-M, just put your paws up ‘cuz you were born this way, baby.” Then she proceeds to prance about in a bra and panty ensemble, flaunt her back-load of tattoos and, er, express herself in a manner that is eerily reminiscent of Madonna when she performed the song the first time.
I admit it; I don’t get any of it. What happened to good and evil and frosting-George, and what does any of that have to do with being happy with who you are? (Um, Lady? I’m pretty sure you weren’t born blonde.) Are we in fantasy labor-and-delivery watching the singer supposedly gyrating around in a post-partum glow? (Note to the video producers: You could not rock those panties with episiotomy or c-section stitches). After that it’s just a regular old music video with killer dancing, skeletons in tuxedos, a warm and fuzzy girl-on-girl group hug, a few zippered nipples and lots of snatch grabs. I hate to sound old and jaded (even though I’m bordering on both), but to me the whole escapade is hardly more than a thinly veiled Madge remix with the inexplicable addition of a unicorn and chain-stirrups. But people are watching and talking, which I imagine was the whole point. Even if you’re not ga-ga about Gaga, you have to admit she knows how to
birth turn heads.
This post originally appeared on iVillage.