Free therapy op! Come on, you know you want to vent.
Okay, ladies. I am working on my next book and am looking for (mostly) happily married women to weigh in! Here’s the idea: You have this husband that you love… but surely there is one thing (or two or three million) that he does that drives you insane. The point of is that even though he does this heinous/annoying/disgusting/oafish thing, you still love him.
Please do not tell me why you left that rotten jerk of an ex-husband, or why you are cheating on the one you are still married to. I am trying to compile a list of the sorts of COMPLETELY MADDENING HABITS/QUIRKS/CHARACTER TRAITS that women are indeed willing to live with.The funnier and more random/unusual/quirky,the better (in my opinion).
I will be listing first names (of the women, not their lovable hubbies) only; please indicate whether I can use your real first name or if you would prefer a pseudonym.
You can post here or email me directly at jenna@jennamccarthy.com if you prefer a little privacy. Thanks for your input!
Although VERY happily married, I hate it when my husband gets grumpy and short with me when I wake him up to tell him to roll over when he is snoring.
I also become easily agitated when he is obsessing over the cars being clean. It’s a car for $#(! sakes!
Comment by Sam — July 17, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
My Hubs seriously can not put stuff where it goes.
Example: When I walk into the kitchen after he has unloaded the dishwasher, my mind instantly starts playing that sesame street song “One of these things is not like the other… one of these things just doesn’t belong..” I have found potatoe peelers in with the forks, measuring cups with drinking glasses, and cooking utensils shoved in misc. drawers. He’s not mentally challenged either. I love the fact that he’s trying to be helpful though.
Comment by Kandis — July 17, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
Annoying things that husband does on purpose (I swear this is true). The dishwasher is maybe 2 ft from the sink – I don’t think the hubby has ever thought that they could go in the dishwasher and leaves it for me. He also NEVER mows one part of the lawn and we look like $#@$@ hillbillies. The house across the street has not sold in 4 months because we look like white trash!My husband has a chronic cough and it drives me crazy too – it’s like chalk on the board annoying. You can’t even have a conversation when he is in a coughing fit (which is often). I know I don’t want to be without him – but a bit of silence would be nice. I have more… but I should maybe save some for a marriage counsellor
.
Comment by Kim Plumley — July 17, 2009 @ 12:27 pm
My husband dresses like he’s still in college. He wears the same tshirts he wore when we were dating (almost 10 yrs ago). I can’t get him to dress like an adult male and it drives me nuts.
Comment by deilia — July 17, 2009 @ 12:56 pm
#1 Snoring- I’ve started to sleep with my ipod. It doesn’t drown it out completely, but it helps!
#2 Can’t put dishes in the dishwasher. I blame his mother, because she let her kids pile things in the sink then HAND WASHED everything and used the dishwasher as a drying rack. Even though our dishwasher is located right next to our sink and I never hand wash anything, my husband leaves his dishes in the sink.
#3 Taking credit for something I said/did. For example, if I come up with an idea he’ll pass it on like it was his. Or if I say something funny or do something amusing, he will tell the story to friends with HIM doing whatever. He doesn’t do this all of the time, but he’s done it enough where it is annoying. I don’t even think it’s on purpose, maybe I should be happy that he thinks of us as one! (HA!)
Comment by Kristin Michler-Belleza — July 17, 2009 @ 1:28 pm
My husband is a brilliant man. He remembers the most minute details from books he read five years ago. He can recite details from classes he took in college ten years ago. However, sometimes his ADD gets the best of him…like the time he couldn’t find the phone. He looked everywhere…and finally found it in the freezer. Or there was the time we couldn’t find the garage door opener for two weeks. One day I was transferring his wash into the dryer and heard a funny clunking sound. I though maybe it was a belt buckle or loose change. No, it was the missing garage door opener that was a stow-away in his pants pocket. I love my husband, but one of these days I’m going to strangle him.
Comment by Rachel — July 17, 2009 @ 1:29 pm
Funny thing you ask – just this morning as we were getting dressed, I casually asked my husband “So, what do you want do to tonight?”
He did not respond, rather, he said “So …what … do … you … want … to … do … tonight?” No answer. Just a restatement. After waiting what I deemed a respectable amount of time, I said “So?” And my husband, who I cherish and adore and want to hit in the face at least once a day, says “What did you say?”
Seriously, the guy ALWAYS does this! Not a day goes by that he does not respond to a question by restating it – with no intention to answer. In fact, it’s always the same – he does not even digest, listen to, or think about the question.
Love the guy but this has to stop.
So, after yelling and screaming at him about this patent personality defect of his, he says “We can do whatever you want to do tonight.” So, as his penance I am going to have him BBQ for a few friends tonight.
Comment by Vicky — July 17, 2009 @ 1:44 pm
Jesus. Where do I start? No seriously – WHERE DO I BEGIN? I could write half of your book for you.
Did you know that 2 months ago my husband was about 30 pounds overweight? I kept dropping hints that while I still found him incredibly sexy, the snoring was a total cockblock. Did he even attempt to drop some poundage? Uh, no. Then, with his 30th birthday fast approaching, all of the sudden, he decides to diet! exercise! get in shape! Most would chalk this up to being an early mid-life, I should get healthy crisis. But no. It wasn’t for his health. It was because the only thing homeboy wanted for his 30th (not 60th) birthday is an OIL motherfucking PAINTING of our family to hang over our non-existent fireplace. I shit you not.
There are eleventy billion problems with this. 1. Losing weight not for your health or your wife & family but for an oil painting. 2. The fact that you want a fucking OIL PAINTING. Who the fuck wants an OIL PAINTING? Jesus. and 3. He lost more than 30 pounds and said that once we got the oil painting done, he would stop dieting and eat whatever he wanted again.
Um, no fucker. NO.
Here’s where I come into the scenario. His birthday was in June. He lost 30 pounds (good for him) and there has been no plans for an oil painting and will never be. He’s still losing weight, exercising and keeping healthy because I’ve seduced him with a trip to Hawaii in the fall. Because seriously, I’d rather dole out the cash it’s going to take to see Maui than have to stare at our family in a painting on a wall where a fireplace will never exist.
I’m telling you, for a man who is incredibly brilliant in many aspect, he is such a dumbass sometimes. And I love him. Despite him.
Comment by Megan Hook/Undomestic Diva — July 17, 2009 @ 1:51 pm
I can easily think of two right off the bat:
1. He eats ice cream every single night (that sucks for me cause I’m trying to keep in shape, but that’s not the issue)… he leaves the damned spoon in the sink EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I mean, what the hell, it’s a spoon, one tiny spoon, and he can’t bring himself to wash it no matter how many times he asks. Then every morning I get to be reminded that HE eats ice cream every night and I don’t. I swear I’m gonna start leaving them on top of the remote, or under his pillow, or up his you know what!!
2. When he clips his toenails he does it on the front porch… like our neighbors really want to see that disgusting site… ick!
Love him anyway, and wonder what he would say if this were about women.
Comment by Julia — July 17, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
My husband is a good man…but I’m gonna smack him with a frying pan one of these days because:
-he smacks his gum when he chews it.
-he likes to walk around in his underwear in the summer. We have the same “put on your darn pants” fight every year. It’s worse this year, because now he does Wii FIT in them.
-he keeps the barcodes from the boxes of things we buy “in case we need it.” but never identifies what the barcode is for. We have tons of mystery box ends.
-his farts could be an Olympic event
Comment by Lisa MacColl — July 20, 2009 @ 3:49 pm
I thought about writing this to you last night as I sat on the couch watching TV w/my hubby.
He has this awful habit of pulling out back hairs with his fingers while we’re watching TV. Seriously. It’s so gross. We’re sitting there, watching True Blood and all of a sudden the couch jerks with this crazy force of him pulling his back hairs out! He reaches behind his neck to his back and yanks them out one by one. He doesn’t have a hairy back- just a few stray hairs which he only manages to pull out when we’re watching TV together. Ick.
Comment by Deilia — July 20, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
First off, I love this idea! Here is my Vent.
My “husband”(been together for 6 years, will officially get married in May of 2010) is helpless. I have no idea when I signed up to be the go-to person in our household, but I don’t remember that dotted line, but must have signed in blood because I think the devil his holding me to this deal!
Everyday… it never fails I get the following questions whether it be by phone, text message, email or shouting to me from another room of the house…. “Where is my socks/underwear/towel/shoes/jeans/key/cell phone etc.” “What is for dinner?”(because checking the menu on the fridge would be TOO hard. “Did you get call about the ___________”, “did you make my lunch?” “did you wash my ______” (Even thought I was never even informed he was out of them!!). I swear if I didn’t take care of these things, he would die, or live at home with his mother (by the way, I do blame her for all this… what sane woman wouldn’t blame their mother in law right!?)
He also drives me nuts because even thought he manages to get the silverware/dishes/cooking utensils from the cabinet they are stored in, he can never remember WHERE they go when I ask him to unload the dishwasher for me (amazing how brain cells apparent die immediate after use)
He also throws his towel (when I find it for him because the linen closet mysteriously moves from the place it always sits when he goes to take a shower) in FRONT of the laundry hamper in the bathroom, but they never manage to make it IN the hamper itself because it has a lid on it…. The kind he would have to open… and that’s harder than looking for the dinner menu on the fridge.
Today he called me looking for the left over subs from my sons 2nd birthday yesterday. I informed them that they were in the fridge where I left them last night. He told me they weren’t, I claimed a troll must have come in and stolen them because I didn’t take them. He SWORE they were not there and got upset… 2 minutes later… he found them… they were indeed in the fridge (Go figure right?!).
He hates it when I pile up the trash on the trashcan because he has the inability to notice when its full (I must inform him because trashing piling up is like finding a Waldo in crowd of people.)
I have firm rule that if you start a load of laundry, you finish it. My dear “husband” chooses to (after 6 years) pretend like this does not exist and only manages to get the clothes as far as the dryer where he can happily retrieve his clothes of choice for the day and then leave the rest in to wrinkle… His “finishing” is him leaving all the clothes in until he wears everything in the dryer a by the end of the week and just “fluffs” them every day before he puts them on.
And his cars… He loves his cars, more than myself if you ask my opinion, but he declares he clearly loves me more. Anyways, He meticulously cleans them. Waxes, shines, a speck of dirt gets wiped off and god forbid if it wins at least once a week he hand washes both of them and god forbid if it rains I have to listen to him about how “god hates him and it always manages to rain when he washes them”. I always think to myself that god wouldn’t “hate him” if he just would check the weather before he decided to wash them… but that would make life too easy. Ya know? And Lord, if *I* do anything to that car…I outta be hiding underneath my bed like a scared dog. I’ve NEVER had a speeding ticket, never been in a car accident (knock on wood!) but the ONE time, I have ever done anything even remotely close to being and accident HAD to be in the parking lot of his employment, While he was watching me leave. WHY OH WHY? 2 years later and I’ve never heard the end of it… and the only thing it left was a mini little chip in the paint (about the size of head of q-tip).
Dear “husband” is a mechanic and he works on his feet all day, while I am an assistant at my families Real estate company, but since he has to stand and I have to sit, he “works harder”. Ahem? Excuse me? I forgot to include that I bring my 2 year old to work with me EVERYDAY along with my sister who brings her 18 month old daughter. While I feel extremely blessed to get to have my child with me giving me the best of both worlds between working mother and a stay-at-home-mom, at the end of a day where two toddlers are running around, its hard to be grateful for this opportunity, your feelings waiver much towards the decision to drown yourself in the company sink or to jump off the roof (figuratively speaking of course.) Alas, despite my 9-5 work day and my 24 hour mom job, my “husband” still “works harder” than I do… I once saw a thing where a lady gave her husband a bill for her daily duties.. I’ve considered doing that, but I fear my “husband” would discover that alimony payments would be cheaper than my bill. I can only imagine the prostitution rate I could charge him! He thinks that I refused to have sex more than twice in a week that I am being “stingy”…. I’ve tried to tell him that most husbands are lucky to get sex twice a MONTH let alone being turned down twice a week, but he doesn’t believe me. (Imagine that!)
So why do I stay? I love the lazy, delusional, car obsessed, and questionably brain dead man. Why? I sometimes wonder, but at night he would be the only man I would ever want to snuggle up to in bed….*sigh* One of these days I will get a break… I think it will be the day that death finds me.. and he better be dead before I die, because at that age, mommy wont be there and he’ll just opt to wear the same dirty underwear because he wont be able to find his clean ones!
Comment by Mara — July 20, 2009 @ 4:27 pm
Though my husband is generally a neat-freak, he seems incapable of fully closing cupboard doors and drawers. For example, I can immediately tell if he is in some sort of pain because the cupboard where we keep the motrin is ajar. And it’s not the cupboard door’s fault, either — he does this all over the house, with doors and drawers alike. I’ve confronted him with it but he just shrugs and ignores it. He has few flaws — really — but after 20 plus years of closing doors behind him, I confess myself a bit weary of it. Still, he does his own ironing, puts his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and lets me hog the remote, so who am I to complain?
Comment by Rebecca — August 7, 2009 @ 8:15 am
First of all — I love my husband. There are a couple of annoying habits that he has. You did say they can be funny. We have been married for 13 years now.
My husband has a habit of picking the most inconvenient times to have a conversation. My husband will be in the bathroom taking a dump, room smelling and wanting to have this whole conversation about his day…the kids…something we need to do. He has not a clue what it feels like to be standing there talking to him during this moment. He acts like there is nothing wrong with it. It is really gross and I love the man but we are close but not that close.
The second annoying habit is helping with projects. My husband is the handiest person I know. He will fix anything and does a great job at it. But when he says he needs to put something together — the kids and I run the other way. He has this habit of when he is putting things together getting really mad at the person who is helping and no matter what you do. IT IS WRONG!!! You can do everything right and that one thing (if a screw won’t go in right) it is your fault for not holding something right or for not handing him the screw driver right.
AMAZING!! Gotta love them.
Comment by Kris — August 7, 2009 @ 9:26 am
Okay, I am happily married for 22 years and have known my husband for 25. We have beautiful identical twin boys who are actors and 14 1/2 years old. I will neve divorce my husband and when we do get separated by death, I will not even date. I’m done, no one can surpass him. Ok annoying habits and believe me he has plenty about me.
1. trimmed beard hair left on the sink.
2. he STILL smokes, however not in the home.
3. picks at scabs, even toes and fingers.
4. makes this annoying clearing of his throat and spitting when he first gets up in the bathroom, thankfully I am usually downstairs or still sleeping so I don’t hear it much.
5. snoring, and I’m the one who has to go to the guest bedroom when it’s too noisy, cuz sometimes bopping him doesn’t work.
Here was advice a friend’s mom told me when I was a teenager. If your fiance has an annoying habit that you hate now, it will get worse when it’s 25 years later. I don’t know if it’s worse, it just is still there!!
Comment by JoannNY — August 7, 2009 @ 9:46 am
I love my husband but yes- so many annoying habits:
1. He seems to thoroughly enjoy picking his nose and we are talking DIGGING here, in the car with me right beside him. It’s sooo gross and he has a heart attack when I say that it’s disgusting.
2. He lets our yard (especially) in the back get waaay out of control and then he invites all these people over for a BBQ and it hustling an hour before and has it looking great for our guests, unfortunately that’s only about 5 times a year that we have a nice looking yard and it’s not even for US, it’s for our guests! aaaaggggghhh
3. My husband has a memory like an elephant. He remembers every piece of trivial info- but not the stuff I need him to remember at all! He know all this useless historical info and asks me if I know and if I don’t- he’s sooo smart, and if I do know- he’s surprised! It’s soo funny, sometimes I just play dumb to stroke his ego.
He’s hilarious and gorgeous and sexy!
Comment by Amanda — August 7, 2009 @ 2:08 pm
Okay,
Here are the top ten reasons why I love my husband so much
10. He prints a lot from the computer. He just prints, he doesn’t actually do anything with what he prints, but he likes to print and leave it in the printer.
9. He’ll cook dinner happily if I a) pull out a recipe, b) get all the ingredients out of the cuppoards and lay it out on the counter, c) cut anything that requires chopping – especially meats, d) measure out all the ingredients and put it in little bowls. It helps if I get the pots and utensils out too so he doesn’t forget and use metal spatulas on the non-stick. And then of course he expects me to do the dishes because he “cooked dinner”.
8. He has a very high tolerance for dirt. He’s never cleaned a bathroom in the 20 years we’ve been married and has just never really thought about it. I think he thinks I’ve made secret arrangements with a maid service to come in every other week and I leave the key under the doormat.
7. He’ll help by putting away the dishes if he knows where they go. I guess he doesn’t know where a lot of our dishes go.
6. He must think that food will self-generate if left alone. He won’t eat the last of anything. If there are 17 chicken wings, he can only eat 15, then he’s full.
5. Loves his remote control – I need to enter him into the next “How fast can you flip through the channels” reality series. Seriously, I can’t watch TV with him sometimes because I get dizzy.
4. He really relishes his bathroom time – he’s in there for 20-30 minutes. No one really knows what he’s doing (okay, we actually do), but we know better than to disturb him whe he is “the king” on his throne.
3. When he feels the house is overly messy, he helps by putting things in closets. He doesn’t really know what he’s putting where, but he does a fantastic job of “cleaning up”. We have still yet to find the copies of last years taxes.
2. When he does the ocassional grocery shop, when faced with a choice of brands, gravitates to the regular priced item, not the sale priced item.
1. He can’t bend. We have a refrigerator with a top freezer and if he can’t see items from where he is standing, it must not exist. I think he thinks he gets bonus points if he doesn’t have to move around any items. I have actually labeled the refrigerator shelves so I can provde more direction: yougurt, back of B1, cantaloupe, left side of A2, carrots, right vegetable bin, under the onions.
P.S. I can’t imagine what he’d say about me. He’s a great husband, but there are things that just drive you mad.
Comment by Cheryl Denise — August 7, 2009 @ 4:32 pm
He takes FOREVER to do anything. Such as when we have to be somewhere he takes extra long to get ready, or decides that he needs to fix something or mow the lawn. I always have to ask him repeatedly to do things and then I am the “harping nagger”.
ahh I feel better.
Comment by lizzie — August 7, 2009 @ 5:33 pm
I have read all the posts previous to mine and I am wondering how my husband has that much time on his hands … because it sounds like he is married to all of these other women as well. LOL.
Dear hubby is a wonderful, loving man who: does not know where the dirty clothes go (same place they have always gone), does not know where the dishes go(even after he got them out), has more shoes than a woman and gladly leaves them out for everyone to admire, continues to pile garbage upon garbage in the can instead of changing the garbage bag, can not put a toilet seat down or close a shower door even if his life depended on it and leaves his spit bottles sitting wherever he last used them (he dips copenhagen).
Aside from his *clears throat* few quirks he is absolutely amazing.
Comment by Crystal — August 7, 2009 @ 7:26 pm
Yes, I love my husband. I have known him since I was six, so you think I would be prepared for what was coming, but nope.
The man does not blow his nose. INSTEAD, he tears off a long strip of toilet paper and shoves one end up his nostril. He will walk around the house like this, and it doesn’t seem to bother him that he has a strip of toilet paper flapping in the wind in front of his face. It has to be toilet paper, even if we have tissues, he still uses toilet paper. He used to come to bed like that when he was sniffly until one morning I woke up with THE SNOTTY STRIP OF TOILET PAPER STUCK TO MY FACE! He is no longer allowed in the bed with toilet paper shoved up his nose.
That’s not all! When we first got married, he wore his socks 24/7. I’m not a fan of guys’ hairy feet, so his sock issues didn’t bother me too badly until he started taking them off. ONE AT A TIME… in completely random places. It’s like a game for him. He’ll be walking around the house with one sock on and I have to search for its mate. Needless to say, he’s always short on socks when he needs them, and he’s stopped asking me where all his clean socks are because he does not want the answer that I’ll give him. His latest hiding spot is shoved between the cushion and the arm rest of his favorite chair. Inevitably those SINGLE socks work their way down as far as they can, and one of my poor children (whose arms are skinnier and therefore can reach further into the chair) has to go spelunking for socks.
At least he’s stopped ripping the top of the pizza boxes to eat his pizza of that instead of using a plate. “I’m just trying to save you from doing as many dishes, hun.” Uh-huh. He only had to do that once at my mother’s house, and it got him teased mercilessly. Maybe that’s what would stop the other stuff.
Comment by Sara — August 9, 2009 @ 9:08 pm
He is my second husband, and I love him to pieces. If this question had been asked about my first husband, I could have written the book singlehandedly…lol
1. He bites his nails. I don’t mean just bites the edges off, but down to the quick. He then proceeds to crunch on the pieces for hours while on the computer. It drives me crazy! Recently, he had to go to the urgent care clinic and spend $100 because his finger was so raw from his biting it that it got infected.
2. He can never put clothes where they belong. If they’re not thrown on the floor, they’re hanging over the side of the wash basket, or something that belongs in his closet is stuffed in his armoire, or vice-versa. The rule in our house is that if it’s on the floor, it’s dirty.
3. He’s secretive. I have to pull information out of him. On the other hand, there is supposed to be complete transparency where I am concerned. If I’m on the phone “Who’s that?” If I go out “Where are you going?” He’ll disappear from the house sometimes without telling me he’s leaving, and if he does tell me, he rarely tells me where he’s going unless I ask (and then he doesn’t look happy that I asked). If I go out of the house he immediately wants to know where I’m going.
There are a myriad of other small things that I can’t think of right now, but I love him, anyway!
Comment by Lynn — August 10, 2009 @ 2:40 pm
My biggest peeve is the smoking, of course. He doesn’t do it in the house, but he brings the smell in with him, in our bed, you name it. I want to kiss him all the time (I am so in lust with him after 10yrs), but have to restrain myself or get some serious 2nd hand smoke.
Then he smacks his food. Just the other day, I asked him not too. His response “What is smacking anyways? And how do I stop?” Umm, it’s chewing so loud I can hear you smack it around. Should I demonstrate w/ my hand? Do they not use this term on the West Coast, where he is from?
If something is missing, broken, or anything other than in perfect condition, it is MY fault!?! In his eyes anyways. I must’ve been the one to lose it because… (then he brings up unforgotten examples from years ago), or it is damaged because I left it in the reach of our three little girls.
Love your stuff! You can thank Kandis (my cousin) for turning me on to you!
Comment by Tara — August 11, 2009 @ 12:03 pm
Having had 2 husbands and loved them dearly may I begin. As an ‘expert’ on husbands I can tell you that snoring (I’m sure there is scientific proof of this) is passive aggressive behavior. He can’t tell you what’s wrong, but he can trumpet like a charging elephant whilst three sheets to the wind. Add to that both were fairly deaf and they can’t hear the noise and therefore in denial. FYI: While dating there was nary a snort. The actual sound am I sure goes back to the caveman because as any sleep deprived woman knows, it could chill the blood of a Saber Tooth Tiger.
To avoid the toilet seat argument and drawer/cupboard arm wrestle, when hubby #2 and I renovated the house we sprung for the toilet seat that goes down by itself and drawer and cupboard that close automatically…the catch is you need to give these a slight (I am talking a butter fly wings’ pressure) tap to start the process. You guessed it…doesn’t happen.
Long drive to see his parents? Don’t pull over I will pee in an old paper coffee cup, while driving…”Here take this, I think there is a lid somewhere.” Do I look like I work for your urologist?
Threw dirty clothes on top of the clean ones folded in a laundry basket. I put 2 laundry baskets in his closet, one for the things I clean and folded, but he refuses to put away and one for the dirty clothes. Yup. Now I have 2 baskets to sort through.
Eats a bowl of ice cream as a chaser before dinner, every night. And I cook from scratch meals why?
If he has to leave the house at 6am and I sleep til six, he always kisses me at 5:45am and wants to have a conversation about his upcoming day and is dumbfounded that I do not want to engage in this conversation. Seriously, do I look like a morning person?
Cuts his wood for projects on the driveway and blows/sweeps sawdust onto my
flowers…I mean 3 inches deep.
Slops water six ways to Sunday around his sink, let’s it drip down the brand new cabinents and now the paint is peeling. He designed this place. WTF!. Leaves soap sitting in water, I swear whole bars melt in an hour.
Chews, not uses, CHEWS dental floss. He does this everywhere. Puts miles of the stuff in his mouth and chomps away. It’s his version of chewing gum. And this is better how?
He offers to help with the dishes and puts them in with ALL the food scraps on them. “This is a heavy duty dishwasher, ” he defends himself. I finally had a guy a Sears explain to him NO dishwashers come with a garbage disposal system!
He still does it, but at least he’s stop telling me I am wasting water when i rinse the dishes. FYI: There are only 2 of us, so the dishwasher doesn’t get filled up for a wash for 3-4 days (Ewwwwww, food particles and bacteria joining forces in a damp dark place for 4 days. Ewwwww)
Sally (Use my name, he never reads chick lit- ha ha)
Comment by Sally Franz — June 4, 2010 @ 8:20 pm
Things my husband does that make me nuts (but not nuts enough to kick him out), by Vicky, with contributions from Sarah:
1. He can’t sleep without the television blaring, or, he takes the position that he can’t sleep without the television. Which is complete and utter bullshit because what is the first thing he does upon boarding a plane, sitting in the passenger seat, watching a movie in the theatre, reading a book to his kids – yes, you guessed it, sleep. Seriously, he is a strong sleeper. He sleeps deep and long, but insists that the white noise and white light of the television remain on until he is into REM. So, in order to keep the peace I do one of two things (1) attack him when I get into bed and insist he turns off the tv or I will stop, or (2) wait until he’s asleep and then turn the damn thing off.
2. I call him the food economist. This has nothing to do with nutrition or finances or cooking. No, it is all about the way he eats his food. No matter what he eats, he plans it out in his mind so that each item on his plate is eaten in one of two ways, and which way depends on how much he is enjoying his meal. For instance, if he loves everything on the plate (say a nice rib eye, potatoes au gratin, and grilled asparagus) he will eat everything in unison, rotating bites of each but maintaining the exact proportionate quantities of each so that his last bite may include all elements of his dinner, or at least, so he can then decide which to eat last. It’s maddening. Sometimes I just have to reach over and grab that last mushroom just to f with his organization.
3. Banking hypocrisy. We are both spenders, no doubt about that. Neither of us pine over making purchases, most times we just do it. But I do not have exorbitant tastes, dress well or eat out often. My indulgences come with the big red target emblem or from a big box store, and 85% of the time they are for my children. My husband, on the other hand, spends as he pleases, but only makes purchases for himself and takes enormous amounts of money out of the ATM. Worst part – he constantly monitors my purchases, demands to know how I spent $598 at Costco (we have four kids who eat like six adults, dumbshit), $18 at Walgreens (prescription and red vines, thank you very much), and why I wrote a $100 check to Jonathan Smith (soccer fees to the guy who has been coaching your kids soccer for 6 years). While he is completely unsupervised in his own spending. As you can imagine, I imagine that the bulk of his money goes to green fees and hamburgers. I really don’t want to know, or else I would.
4. Thinks Criticism is Sport: This guy has never met someone who didn’t need a little direction in something. You cooked a fabulous meal, he will tell you how if you just had cooked the potatoes 5 minutes longer they would be perfect. You hit a home run, he will tell you it’s too bad you were so slow running the bases. You get all A’s and a B, he will focus on the B. You manage a household of four kids, one mother in law, a maid, pool guy, yard man, two tutors, three coaches, have a job and pay the bills, and he will gripe that you didn’t wash the car. The worst part is he will not stop because he feels it is his duty to instruct you as to how to get things done correctly. If he doesn’t give you his input, “you will never learn how to do it right.” Go fuck yourself, that’s what I usually say.
5. The Grass-is-always-greener effect. He thinks everyone else in the world has it better than he does. He’s wrong, and he knows it. He’s got the best wife/kids/home ever.
Comment by Vicky — June 8, 2010 @ 5:49 pm
ok, first of all, I love my husband and we have been married for 10 years. THat being said…..I don’t know why his projects are more important than mine. Example….I am sitting at the table with about 1000 pictures in 1000 piles trying to organize the last 5 years of our lives and he is going to hang a picture (that has been sitting on the floor in the hall for about 10 months….another story completely!!!! Christ!) He gets the picture and gets the ladder and is holding the picture up to the sopt on the wall where he thinks it might look good and then bellows to me from the hall. Shell, can you get me the picture hanging thingy…..can you grab a hammer…..do you see the level in your toolbox(which is yet another story that I have to have my own toolbox…which I hide for my own protection, because he never puts anything away and can’t ever find his own fucking tools.!!!!!!) Seriously, I am all out of breath just re-living the whole scene! Never mind that the kids are taking matters into their own hands and the entire house is crumbling around our very feet…..
Comment by Shelly — June 10, 2010 @ 12:27 am