I didn’t realize until yesterday that some people still don’t know what Zestra is.
There I am at Costco with my kids (which isn’t as godawful hellish as it sounds because I got them yogurt sundaes the size of their heads before we went in, plus they dig the free food samples) when I run into a male friend of ours. Not that it matters, but this friend happens to be single and smokin’ hot–and recently broke up with a dear friend of mine–a combined cocktail of facts that made the following exchange even more uncomfortable than it would have been otherwise.
Me: What’s up, Smokin’ Hot Single Friend?
Smokin’ Hot Single Friend: I’m going to Costa Rica tomorrow.
SHSF: Yeah, I’m pretty psyched. Oh, hey, can I swing by your house and borrow some Zestra before I go?
Me: Um, sure, I guess. Or, you know, you can pick some up at CVS. [To self: Really? You just broke up with my friend and you're jetting off to Costa Rica to have amazing Zestra-sex with god-knows-what and you're practically bragging about it? You've got balls, SHSF.]
SHSF: It’s not a prescription?
Me: Nope! You can get it right over the counter.
SHSF: And it works pretty well?
Me: Oh, yeah. It works really well.
SHSF: Does it help Joe, too?
Me: Well, you know what they say: Happy wife, happy life!
SHSF: And do you usually sleep through the night?
Me: (To self: Dude, WTF kind of question is that?) I guess sometimes I wake up. It’s not a miracle cure-all or anything. [*laughs riotously*]
SHSF: How do you feel in the morning?
Me [coming close so I can whisper the following and spare my children from this knowledge]: Zestra is a sexual enhancement oil. You know that, right?
SHSF: Oh. No. I thought it was a sleeping pill.
Me: Nope. Sexual enhancement oil.
SHSF: Oh. [Pause] But it works really well?
Me: I’m a big fan.
SHSF: Okay then. Good to know.
[Ten year pause with lots of furious head nodding on both sides.]
Me: I have some Benedryl you can borrow if you’d like. That shit knocks me right out.
SHSF: You know what? I think I’m good.
And then we went our separate ways, where I was laughing so hard that it was impossible to answer my kids’ repeated demands of what is so freaking funny???
Joe said I should have just played along and given him the Zestra to “help him sleep” on the plane. This is, of course, but one of the many reasons why I love my husband.