I don’t know either, but I joined.

Nobody even invited me (I didn’t know it was the equivalent of the cool-girls’ table when I applied), I got in all by my badass self.

Far as I can tell, now I have a brand new, visually pleasing and totally not-Facebook-or-Twitter way to waste time.

Follow me, won’t you?

This year I was one of them: Those annoyingly-together holiday shoppers who have nearly everything bought, wrapped and shipped by Thanksgiving. So you can imagine my surprise (make that absolute panic) when my girls and I ran into Santa last week at the mall.

“Can we sit on his lap?” they squealed. “There’s not even a line!”

Ignoring the fact that at the tender ages of 6 and 8 my daughters already know that a long line could spell the death of a dream, I agreed to let them crawl into a fat male stranger’s lap and lie promise they’ll be nice and not fight in exchange for some pricey electronics or a pony.

“What would you like for Christmas this year?” mall Santa quizzed my eight-year-old.

“A pottery wheel, furry white boots, the Game of Life and a camera!” she replied without hesitation.

I would like to add here that none of these things were on her list. Not one.

“A camera? Really? You want a camera? You have a camera!” I stammered, honing in on the mack-daddy item and giving Santa the stink-eye.

They both ignored me. “Have you been a good girl this year?” he asked, A) as if she’s going to say “Actually, no, not really” and B) also implying that if she answered yes she would get the fucking camera! (And also, heads-up Santa: You’re supposed to know if she’s been good. It’s right there in the song, for the baby Jesus’s sake.)

My daughter lied nodded solemnly and he sent her off with a candy cane, a coloring book and a giant stocking full of false hopes.

When we got to the car, I tried the old stand-by deflector. “You know girls, I read in the paper that Santa’s already finished making presents this year,” I said, trying to sound casual. “The article said he’s very busy wrapping everything now. But I’m sure he’ll take good care of you.”

As much as I want my girls to believe in the magic of Christmas for as long as possible, I have to admit it’s going to be a lot easier when they discover there’s no flabby old dude out there whose sole purpose in life is to give them the crap their parents won’t.

On 11.11.11 I had one of the greatest honors of my life (blah blah blah marrying my amazing husband and birthing my beautiful children stories go here) when I took the stage at the fabulous TEDxAmericanRiviera event in Santa Barbara. At the risk of being arrested for TMI, if I’d had balls I would have sweat them right off on that stage.

(Seriously, it was profuse. And if I sound funny in the video it’s because my heart was beating so goddamned loudly in my own ears that I couldn’t hear myself talk. But did I mention how awesome it was?)

I joke because that’s what I do, but sharing the stage that day with the likes of Chris Orwig, Stefan Bucher, Matthew Kenney, Robert Gupta, Tom Snow and Peter Matthies was nothing short of humbling. And also clearly, hot.

Watch and enjoy and if you could, try to resist the horizontal-stripes and sweaty brow comments. (Dear God it was a Nigerian sauna up there, I swear it.) I’m proud of myself for getting up there and doing it and I hope you are, too.

After being approached by several book clubs asking if there was a Reading Group Discussion Guide for IF IT WAS EASY THEY’D CALL THE WHOLE DAMN THING A HONEYMOON, I decided to create one.

Of course since I don’t actually belong to a book club and have never seen an RGDG in person, I have no idea if this is how you’re supposed to do it. But hey, that’s the beauty of me! I’m a rebel! Mwaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa!

Fine, a rebel who’s had too much caffeine today. Whatever. Enjoy!

(Just click and print!)