The Must-Have New Mom Posse
For an article I’m writing for a parenting magazine, I’m assembling a list I’m affectionately dubbing “the must-have new mom posse”. (That does NOT say pussy, you pervs.)
I need real women to weigh in on the specific sorts of peeps they had (or wished they had) around after bringing home baby. NOTE: You can say you dreamed of having a wet nurse, but I probably won’t include that in the piece. Because, you know, ewwwww.
My youngest, Sasha, at one-week-old. She looked like this for the next six months. Clearly I needed a posse.
My list might look something like this:
The totally together friend with kids. She’s already read all of the books and done all of that tedious vaccine research. When she tells you what to do, you can do it without second-guessing yourself.
The helpful hubby. Just because you have a hubby doesn’t mean he’s necessarily helpful–at least without your guidance. (This one would include training tips for the new dad.)
The single friend. Because she’s not burdened with soccer games and buried under mountains of laundry, she’ll have more time for you than your married friends–and she’ll likely never tire of holding the baby.
The thorough but mellow pediatrician. Well, there has to be somebody who doesn’t freak out when the baby gets a pea stuck in her nose (and it won’t be the mom).
The trusted babysitter. If you’re lucky, there are people in your zip code who share your DNA who can fill this role; if you’re not, you need to start trolling. You need this person, big-time.
The friend who’s a kick-ass cook. (Obvious)
The enterprising sister (or sister-in-law). Mine spent the first week of my daughter’s life painstakingly organizing thirty-plus years of photos into matching albums. You cannot put a price tag on this.
The rule-bending friend. You don’t necessarily want to follow her every example, but having a pal who isn’t afraid to do it her way will make you feel infinitely better about your own approach.
Get the idea? Please respond with your list, your stories, your advice. You can include examples of people you had around you whom you very much wished would go away. The more detail, the better!
BEST RESPONSE GETS A SURPRISE! (I promise not to jump naked out of your birthday cake.)
Much obliged, you guys.
A makeup artist…duh. Obviously, you won’t be able to afford one because you’ll be spending all your money or, after your savings account is depleted, your husband’s money on diapers, magic creams, and take-out. Invest (and yes you should use that word when trying to convince your husband or your mom that you NEED it) in a good concealer and corrector otherwise you WILL look like one of “those” moms even if you have cute jeans on. I, myself, prefer Bobbi Brown’s line (and, no, I do not work for nor am I paid to advertise for Bobbi Brown Cosmetics). Let’s face it, no matter how much help you have, you’re body is jacked up…at least you can hide the under-eye circles and have a pretty face.
Comment by Michelle Timberlake — January 26, 2012 @ 5:02 pm
Good God you are BRILLIANT, woman! That’s what I’m talking about here people.
THANK YOU MICHELLE!
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 5:06 pm
The “been there done that” mom. The one you call at 1am because your baby won’t stop crying and you don’t know what to do. She’s not only been there but has advice. And she’s who you call when your child takes poop out of his diaper and throws it across the room because you know her kid did that too and you aren’t embarrassed to share.
The “our kids are close in age” mom. For the love of God you need a mom you can hang out with while your kids play together. Someone to hold a conversation with for heaven’s sake.
The “perfect couple” mom. The one who’s marriage is still lovey dovey even after kids. You can call her for advice on how to keep the love alive with your hubby after the baby puts a major kink in things.
Comment by Kandis — January 26, 2012 @ 5:08 pm
There is no list. Don’t bring anyone home. It will begin an era of “remember when.” Moms, MILs, even best friends will have a story of how terrible you (or your husband) treated them during your sleep deprived, trauma of a lifetime.
Baby #1 almost completely ruined my relationship with my MIL. She booked her flight a week before I was due, and I ended up being a week past my due date. By the time my water broke, I had almost pulled out all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Also, the morning my water broke, she persisted that I should not go to the hospital until I’m contracting, and rolled her eyes the entire drive there.
Baby #2 completely ruined my husband’s relationship with my mom. In fact, she left on day 3 because my husband went ape shit on her for using his Batman coffee mug. To this day, she damn near gets diarrhea even thinking about having a cup of coffee at my house. She literally asks me for mug permission every single time!
Seriously, don’t bring anyone home. Neither of you will be rational, and people don’t focus on good memories very often. Keep everyone a phone call away.
Comment by Krystal Hatfield — January 26, 2012 @ 5:09 pm
Workout Partner — it took me six weeks to leave the house with my first. I wish I had had someone to push me out the door and remind me that there were things I knew how to do with my body that didn’t involve latching on!
Comment by Hippittee — January 26, 2012 @ 5:21 pm
The Mother in Law! No, really! One that will come over and take the screaming baby from you anytime you need a break. Or will take the other grand kids out for a treat so you can have some alone time with the baby. Or make meals for you and stock the freezer so you don’t have to cook for the entire next month. And lean the house for you while you are resting. Yea, I have a mother in law like that. I know…lucky bitch! (Well, most of the time. The kid is 3, she an STOP now!)
Comment by Janice — January 26, 2012 @ 5:23 pm
(‘facebookie’ from Twitter here weighing-in with a male perspective) “THE SPOILERS: Your/your spouses’ parents.” (And your/his grandparents if they’re nearby and in good physical and mental health.) -Yeah, this is much like what you suggested in the “Trusted babysitter” ‘who share your DNA’, but it goes much farther than that.- You don’t even have to PAY these people! And they are probably retired so they won’t have schoolwork and dates and jobs to get in the way of nurturing your precious new life-form. (Yes, these ARE the people who embarrassed the hell out of you in front of your dates and your friends while you were in school. Probably on purpose! Yes, they probably STILL do that. And you’ll probably NEVER forgive them entirely.) But RIGHT NOW when you need an extra hour of sleep or the laundry done, or the kitchen cleaned, just one hour alone with your thoughts, or a night out with your spouse, these Spoilers WANT to rush over and see their fresh new (unspoiled) grandchild. And they’ll WILLINGLY take every moment possible to spoil the kid ROTTEN. Granted, ‘spoiling’ is a bit difficult when the fresh new grandbaby is just a few days or weeks old. But these people that somehow got together and created you and your spouse will now LOVE to spend hours calming and rocking and cuddling and feeding (notice I did NOT say ‘nursing’) and burping and, yes, even changing diapers. ALL. WITH. A. HUGE. SMILE! Why? THEY are EMPOWERED, because THEY KNOW aren’t stuck with that crying, screaming, peeing, pooping, spitting-up nightmare newborn of yours 24×7! These “Spoilers” can spoil and go home, (or send you back home), once they have satisfied their innate need to get a brag-book full of photos to show around to all their friends.
Comment by Kirk Ostby — January 26, 2012 @ 5:23 pm
Starting in the hospital…find the NURSE who isn’t a sour bitch. My favorite nurses are the ones who slip you the advil without charging you $10 a pop and tell you “take the pain pills your vagina will thank you!” (true story). The greatest nurses are the ones that don’t make you feel like a loser when your giant breasts only dribble out tiny drops of milkish fluid, the nurses that don’t judge you when you send your baby to the nursery so you can eat some sushi (finally) and sleep (third child i figured out how to turn my birthing suite into the Ritz Carlton), and the amazingly kind nurse who held my hands and let me cry when my 2nd child was born prematurely and wasn’t supposed to survive the night. When she not only survived, but after 2 weeks was able to come home, that same nurse brought me a bottle of wine and said I should toast myself for being a good Mom. Gosh even just writing these memories down is a reminder of how done I am having children! LOL
I find that I truly connect with women who have a sense of humor, an understanding of sarcasm, and the willingness to love each other no matter what.
Comment by Pia — January 26, 2012 @ 5:43 pm
The “I won’t judge you if our baby play date turns into happy hour” Mom. I had a couple of those and they were priceless. Some of my best memories are of our non talking independently playing babies supposedly brought together to interact ignoring one another on the floor while my friend and I sat with huges glasses of sauv blanc crying about how much harder it was than we thought it was going to be.
Comment by cari — January 26, 2012 @ 5:46 pm
When can we have a “play date” Cari???
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 5:59 pm
LOVE THIS!
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:00 pm
I get giddy when the dudes weigh in… especially when the dudes are SAVVY like you! Humbly grateful.
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:00 pm
Great one, thanks!
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:01 pm
Lucky bitch is RIGHT! (And also LOL! Want me to email her and tell her she’s fired?
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:01 pm
Another excellent point (and also, your husband has a batman mug? cute!)… Gracias mucho!
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:02 pm
It’s almost like you have this all figured out, Kandis.
LOVE!
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:02 pm
AND ALSO? Apparently I haven’t figured out how to comment on comments. So, you know, thanks all! Jesus.
Comment by Jenna — January 26, 2012 @ 6:03 pm
The Bouncer. The spouse/friend/relative who will bounce anyone and everyone when you want to be alone with your baby. When my twins were born there were 18 people at the hospital. I told them all to get the hell out. Hurt a few feelings and learned a valuable lesson. When a spouse/friend/relative chases them away that person is just being protective, not bitchy and ungrateful. Aka the Screener. Takes calls, answers the door and helps hide you from the masses of nosey neighbors/friends/relatives who can’t wait to help.
You may be sensing a trend here – I didn’t want anyone around. My advice is to have one person to help and tell the rest you will call them. My one person was always my husband which worked for me because (1) he already lived there and wasn’t imposing on my space, and (2) I could call him an a-hole, without guilt, when he annoyed me.
Comment by V — January 26, 2012 @ 6:43 pm
I needed a “That Is Totally Normal” friend. She would have said, “Yes, it is totally normal for your nipples to shoot milk like they are water pistols.” “Yes, that is totally normal for your daughter to have slime oozing up her back whenever she poops.” “Yes, it is totally normal to want to murder your husband as he snores through the baby crying. All men suck.”
Would have saved a lot of tears and humiliating phone calls to the pediatrician’s office.
Comment by Hallie Sawyer — January 26, 2012 @ 7:10 pm
I don’t have kids, but your list and the comments are awesome! I love that I was a variety of these people for my friends when they had kids. My favorite was when I got to tell my bestie’s MIL that she needed to leave the hospital room so my friend could be alone with her hubby and new baby.
Comment by Liz — January 26, 2012 @ 10:04 pm
I’ll tell you what you don’t need. A husband who invites a female colleague to the teeeny-tiny hospital room to visit 24 hours after you’ve pushed out a 9-pounder. After giving him a look like ‘WTF?!” and giving Her a hug, I realise I am dripping blood or whatever post-birthing liquids one continues to drip, down my leg. I excuse myself and change my paper panties and hospital grade sanitary napkin while they make small talk no more than a foot away, shielded by a curtain. I recently reminded him of this, 8 years later and he still didn’t get how asinine that was.
Hmmm, what would I have really wanted? For a friend to have pointed out that while baby is in a Baby Bjorn-thingy, baby is supposed to be positioned so you could kiss the top of it’s head. This wasn’t pointed out to me until I walked into a physio appt. for back issues, 3 months later with baby dangling near my pubic area.
Comment by Fellow 'Nole — January 27, 2012 @ 4:27 pm
I’m a grandma. A SPOILER! And I am laughing my ass off at these comments. More MORE MORE…
Comment by Vicky — February 1, 2012 @ 11:51 pm