Q & A

I get asked the same questions over and over, so I figured I’d answer them here. If there’s something else you’re itching to know about me, please use the links on the contact page, based on the nature of your question. (And if you ask about my sex life, I’ll know you haven’t read any of my articles, because anyone who follows my work knows that I no longer have a single secret in that department.)

What did you like to read as a kid?
I’ve always read pretty much anything I could get my hands on. Cereal boxes, the Sears catalog, the assembly instructions that came with my Barbie Dream House—if it had print on it, I was powerless to resist. I still read the shampoo bottle every time I wash my hair. Even as a very young child I knew most of my books by heart and would go around quoting from them, often in a really bad British accent for some inexplicable reason. No wonder my sister couldn’t stand me.

Do you regret posing in Playboy?
You clearly have never seen me naked, or you’d know that Playboy isn’t exactly beating down my door. Are you sure you don’t have me confused with someone else?

How did you get started as a writer?
Completely by accident. I graduated college with no appreciable skills or experience, so I took the only job I was offered, which was selling advertising space for a magazine. I soon realized that the copy was pretty bad, and offered to re-write features for free. After a while, I was being paid a whopping $25 a piece for my original articles. Then I heard about a writing position that required a "portfolio," and I had one of those! So I went for it and I got it. I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or my mother.

You sure do stick your tongue out a lot. What’s up with that?
Jeez, I hadn’t noticed. Thanks for the heads-up. I’ll try to keep that in check.

How do you write?
I just sit down and do it. I don’t outline or sketch elaborate diagrams on gigantic dry-erase boards or do any of the other seemingly-wise things I’ve heard other writers do. I start at the beginning, work my way through the middle and eventually wrap it up. Then I reread and rewrite and endlessly tweak and generally obsess. I write all the time—when there’s not a keyboard around, I have an odd habit (some might call it quirky, charming even, if you happen to know and love me) of transcribing conversations, songs and random phrases onto an imaginary keyboard. I play air-keyboard! I never thought of it that way before. I’m really good, too. You should come watch me some time.

What’s it like being mega-famous?
Oh, I’m not that famous. I mean, I do have a Facebook stalker and all, but I can still go to the grocery store without getting accosted by the paparazzi.

What does a typical day look like for you?
I’d love to say I go for a run, do a little yoga, then sit down to meditate, but the truth is my work day rarely has a recognizable start or end. I have two young kids and chronic insomnia and I write from home, so I work when I can—in between playing Candy Land and doing Karaoke to the High School Musical soundtrack and shuffling small bodies to gymnastics and tennis lessons and various play dates. I spend way too much time on Facebook and Twitter, but I do this while telling myself that "social media" is an essential professional tool. But between us, how commenting on 461 friends’ latest "25 Random Things About Me" list is going to help me promote myself or my books is beyond me. Wait, what was the question again?

You’re very vocal about your feelings about childhood immunizations.
I am? God I have to stop drinking. Or at least, cut back. I’m definitely cutting back.

What are your favorite books?
Asking a writer her favorite books is like asking a kid her favorite candy. For writers, Stephen King’s On Writing is the bible; Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott, also is a must. Non-technical favorites include—but are in no way limited to: Auntie Mame, The Glass Castle, Standing in the Rainbow, The Help, Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like a Skank, The Kite Runner, Later... at the Bar, The Catcher in the Rye, Running with Scissors, The Secret Life of Bees, Thin is the New Happy, The Snapper and Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret.

How do you stay in such great shape?
Me? Great shape? Wow, thanks! I guess, well, you know, I do run around after the kids a lot. And wine has a lot of antioxidants in it, so that probably helps. Actually I eat more fast food than I should, because I’m a mom and is it my fault that healthy restaurants never have drive-thru windows? Why is that, do you think? I guess people who eat healthy food aren’t too lazy to unbuckle their kids and traipse them inside for their wheatgrass shakes, but whatever. We’re all just doing the best we can, right?

Can you list 3 strange or unique things about yourself?
Um, yeah. I think I can come up with three.
1. I drink hot coffee from a straw and prefer to eat with unnaturally small spoons and forks.
2. It’s absolutely not Thanksgiving dinner to me without canned, jellied cranberry sauce.
3. I still know by heart the speech I gave on Parents’ Day in third grade, Edward Lear’s The Owl and the Pussycat, and Disney’s The Lady and the Tramp. This is ironic because even though we met fifteen seconds ago, I can’t recall your name, and I frequently have to use the alarm button on my keychain to find my car in the supermarket parking lot.

What is Jim Carrey like?
How the hell would I know?

Do you have a favorite quote?
I have a million favorites, and I genuinely can’t decide which of these is at the top:
• "You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take." ~Wayne Gretzky
• “Writing is easy. All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler
• "Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there." ~Will Rogers
• "When angry, count [to] four. When very angry, swear." ~Mark Twain
• "Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money." ~Robin Williams

Do you really like Candies?
The shoes? Um, sure. They’re okay. They’re not the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn. And they make a lot of noise, with the wooden heels and all. You know, I had a blue suede pair once and every time I wore them, my feet would be blue for three days afterward. They hurt like hell, too, but they were so damned cute I kept wearing them. So I guess I do like Candies!

What are the best and worst parts of being a writer?
For me the best part is the freedom, and—frankly—the fact that I get paid to do something I love to do, something I would have to do anyway, even if there was no paycheck. I don’t mind the pressure of deadlines, and I try to look at really boring assignments as a challenge: How can I reinvent the wheel this time—and make it interesting? Ironically, the only thing I don’t like about writing is also something I relish about it: The permanence. It is so powerful to see something in print that you wrote a million years ago—it’s also gut-wrenching when you realize you can’t go back and change it. I can’t count the times I’ve reread something I’ve written and wound up pounding myself on the head and moaning, "I can’t believe I started that sentence that way! What was I thinking?" Whoever coined the phrase ’life is short’ probably wasn’t a writer.

If they ever did a remake of Singled Out, would you consider hosting it?
Well, maybe. I have done some TV and I sort of enjoy it. But wasn’t that chick—what’s her name—Jenny something... Jenny McAllister? McArthur? Oh, it was McCarthy! That’s it! Jenny McCarthy! Wasn’t she the host of that show? Wouldn’t they ask her—Oh! My! God! You think I’m Jenny McCarthy! Seriously? You think I’m Jenny McCarthy? Even after reading my books and seeing my pictures and getting this far into my web site? You might want to get that checked.

What’s the best advice you can offer aspiring writers?
Write the way you speak. Break some rules. Read what you’ve written out loud, and if you skip over something or change it in your head as you’re reading, make that change on paper immediately. If it doesn’t sound right to your ear, it won’t ring true to the reader. The biggest ’mistakes’ I see writers of all levels making are over-writing (for instance, saying "my obtuse error" instead of "my stupid mistake"), and trying to be absolutely, painfully correct at every grammatical turn. Yes, we all know you aren’t supposed to end a sentence with a preposition—but that’s how we talk. Nobody says, "About what is that book you’re reading?" It’s "What’s that book about?"

So you really aren’t Jenny McCarthy?
I swear it on my cat’s grave.

Anything else you’d like to say about writing?
Don’t end a sentence with a preposition. Unless it sounds better that way.