If that goddamned fucking eyeroll looks familiar, THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH is for you!
You know what they say about teenage girls: They’re a bunch of complete fucking bitches. (What do you mean, they don’t say that? I just said that. Pay attention.) THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH explores this uniquely challenging age from the parents’ perspective for once.
THE LOGLINE: Yesterday, Madison Knowsitall was a sweet, mostly-naive twelve-year-old. I mean, she’d seen her share of PG-13 movies and she knew what a blowjob was, but still she loved cuddling with her cat Marshmallow, sleeping with her massive stuffed animal collection and playing Yahtzee with her mom. But today Madison turns thirteen, and all fucking bets are off.
THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH is a hilariously dark (you have no idea) comedy that explores Madison’s metamorphosis from a boy-bodied innocent into a strong, self-sufficient young woman, passing through every miserable fucking year in between. There are seven of them, FYI, so you might want to buckle the fuck up. One word: wine.
*As of now, this is a totally fictitious show, but if you’re a producer, call me!
Season One: Madison Turns Thirteen
Season one opens with Madison’s thirteenth birthday party. She’s officially a teenager! She hugs her parents warmly and thanks them for the cake and the party and the iPhone upgrade. Mom and Dad are smug. “And everyone told us teenagers were miserable jerks,” they muse, clinking wine glasses. The rest of the season features Madison gently tiptoeing into her teens (she asks for a lock on her door “for privacy,” a laptop “for school,” and a Snapchat account “because otherwise she’ll be a social outcast;” she gets them all because she’s “really a great kid.”). The seeds of Madison’s future self are being subtly planted (we see her groaning about how much homework she has night after night and then spending six hours on Snapchat), but her parents remain blissfully clueless. Season one ends with Madison locked in her room listening to Lil Kim on her laptop while making skanky TikTok videos and uploading #datass pics to the secret Instagram account her parents know nothing about.
Season Two: Madison Turns Fourteen
Season two opens with Madison’s fourteenth birthday party. Madison shows up late because somebody forgot to tell her what time the stupid party started and besides she had NOTHING to wear because she has LITERALLY NO CLOTHES (we wouldn’t mention the jam-packed closet behind her if we were you) and you’ll be shocked to learn, this is all her mother’s fault. The rest of the season is a montage of eye-rolling, door slamming, under-the-breath mumbling and massive dinner table blowouts, including the one where Madison’s dad asks her about her day and Madison accuses him of being “literally the nosiest, most embarrassing human being on the planet” before sobbing into her pork chops. Season two ends with Madison’s mom polishing off the evening’s bottle of rosé to a backdrop of Madison screaming that she wishes she had never even been born.
Season Three: Madison Turns Fifteen
Season three opens with Madison’s fifteenth birthday party. She’s crying for what appears to be absolutely no reason—it might be because the part in her hair is slightly off-center?—and nothing her parents say or do can make it stop. “I hate you!” she screams at one point, possibly during cake, and disappears to her room. The better part of this season is spent watching Madison either crying or writing truly awful poetry while her parents try in vain to figure out “what’s wrong” with her. In one touching episode, Madison wakes from a scary dream and seeks comfort in her parents’ bed, where she proceeds to complain about their sheets, kick them both all night and then yell at them for waking her up in the morning. Season three ends with Madison cutting off all her hair and then blaming her mother when it looks fucking terrible. (Madison’s mom *might* flip her daughter off behind her back when she flounces from the room.)
Season Four: Madison Turns Sixteen
Season four opens with Madison’s sixteenth birthday party. Except for fuckssake don’t call it a “party” because parties are for losers, it’s just some friends coming over to hang out, my God how lame can you be? This is the last we see of Madison in the flesh for the entirety of season four. All interaction comes through texting (IDK, WTF and WHATEV are seen on-screen a lot). Madison’s parents try coaxing her to join them on a handful of family outings, but their efforts are weak and their relief when she declines is palpable. Against their better judgment considering her attitude, Madison’s parents buy her a car so that she can help with things like grocery store runs and driving her little brother Billy to at least a few of his many activities. HAHAHAHAHA that never happens, literally not once. Season four ends with Madison’s parents actually counting the days until she graduates and—God willing—moves out. (IT’S FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY-TWO, OKAY?)
Season Five: Madison Turns Seventeen
Season five opens with Madison’s seventeenth birthday party, which is an eleven-hundred-dollar sushi dinner for twenty of her closest friends. (Mom and Dad are allowed to sit at a nearby table and pick up the bill. That’s all. Are we clear?) Madison spends the bulk of season five arguing with her parents about college (what do they mean they haven’t saved enough for Stanford?), food (it’s her body and she can be a bacon-eating vegetarian if she wants to be, and why didn’t they buy more mac-and-cheese? hello, she ran out yesterday), and curfew (Ellie Parker, Julia McPherson AND Katie Greenbaum are all allowed to stay out until midnight, why is her life so totally unfair?). The only reason the ‘rents don’t just kick that bitch out of the house is because other people frequently tell them they’ve seen Madison saying or doing things that are actually thoughtful and decent. Besides, the end is in sight, so they reluctantly continue to put up with her shit. Season five ends with Madison using a fake ID to get her first tattoo: a giant dreamcatcher on the back of her right shoulder she is one thousand percent positive she’ll never regret. Ahem.
Season Six: Madison Turns Eighteen
Season six opens with Madison’s eighteenth birthday party. It’s technically a combination birthday/graduation party and Madison is on her best behavior because she heard you can rake in a couple grand at these things if you play your cards right. Madison’s mom gets shitfaced but Madison can’t even say one thing because her parents are supposedly helping her with college tuition and now they threaten to take that away, no joke, like every single day. Season six is a bittersweet blur of parties and epiphanies (there’s one particularly touching scene where Madison and her mom say a tearful goodbye outside of Madison’s new dorm and then [on split-screen] both proceed to get shit-faced drunk and pass out). More than a handful of episodes show Madison drunk dialing her parents late at night to tell them she actually misses them or to apologize for being a total douche all those years (and also can they put some more money in her account?). Season six ends with Madison announcing that she just landed a paid internship and offering (offering!) to start paying her own car insurance. Madison’s mom gives her husband a rare BJ to celebrate finally getting a financial fucking break out of this kid.
Season Seven: Madison Turns Nineteen
Season seven opens with Madison’s nineteenth birthday “party.” To her parents’ unbridled delight, Madison came home for the weekend and all she wanted was her mom’s famous lasagna. And for someone to do the thirteen loads of laundry she happened to bring home with her. And to sleep all day (could you guys please keep it down?). And if she could take a few hundred bucks worth of snacks and paper products back to school with her that would be cool? Oh, and maybe that lamp in the living room if they weren’t using it. (They were. Oh well.) Even though she’s a giant pain in the ass every time she comes home, she’s definitely better than she used to be and really, it’s just a few days. For the remainder of season seven, Madison shows up whenever the fuck she wants to, eats anything that’s not nailed down and leaves with at least one small appliance or piece of furniture. Madison’s parents put up with it because fine, they fucking miss her, okay? Besides, they’re going to need her to wipe their asses some day. It’s not like Billy’s ever going to fucking do it.
Final credits roll.