***A JENNA McCARTHY PRODUCTION COMING SOON TO NETFLIX OR HULU
OR IF YOU HAVE A TWEENAGE DAUGHTER, YOUR HOUSE***
Yesterday, Madison Hormonalhotmess was a sweet, mostly-naive twelve-year-old. I mean, she’d seen her share of PG-13 movies and she knew what a blowjob was, but still she loved cuddling with her cat Marshmallow, sleeping with her massive stuffed animal collection and playing Yahtzee with her mom. Today Madison turns thirteen, however, and all fucking bets are off.
THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH is a hilariously dark (you have no idea) comedy that explores Madison’s metamorphosis from a boy-bodied innocent into a strong, self-sufficient young woman, passing through every miserable fucking year in between. There are seven of them, FYI, hence the title. One word: wine.
*As of now, this is a totally fictitious show, but if you’re a producer, call me!
Season One: Madison Turns Thirteen
Season one opens with Madison’s thirteenth birthday party. She’s officially a teenager! She hugs her parents warmly and thanks them for the cake and the party and the iPhone upgrade. Mom and Dad are smug. “And everyone told us teenagers were miserable jerks,” they muse, clinking wine glasses. The rest of the season features Madison gently tiptoeing into her teens (she asks for a lock on her door “for privacy,” a laptop “for school,” and a Snapchat account “because otherwise she’ll be a social outcast;” she gets them all because she’s “really a great kid.”). The seeds of Madison’s future self are being subtly planted (we see her groaning about how much homework she has night after night only to spend six hours facetiming her friends in her room), but her parents remain blissfully clueless. Season one ends with Madison locked in her room listening to Drake on her laptop while making skanky musical.ly videos and uploading #datass pics to the secret Instagram account her parents know nothing about.
Season Two: Madison Turns Fourteen
Season two opens at Madison’s fourteenth birthday party. Madison shows up late because somebody forgot to tell her what time the stupid party started and besides she had NOTHING to wear because she has LITERALLY NO CLOTHES (we wouldn’t mention the jam-packed closet behind her if we were you) and you’ll be shocked to learn, this is all her mother’s fault. The rest of the season is a montage of eye-rolling, door slamming, under-the-breath mumbling and massive dinner table blowouts, including the one where Madison’s dad asks her about her day and Madison accuses him of being “literally the nosiest, most embarrassing human being on the planet” before sobbing into her pork chops. Season two ends with Madison’s mom polishing off the evening’s bottle of rosé to a backdrop of Madison screaming that she wishes she had never even been born.
Season Three: Madison Turns Fifteen
Season three opens with Madison’s fifteenth birthday party. She’s crying for what appears to be absolutely no reason—it might be because the part in her hair is slightly off-center?—and nothing her parents say or do can make it stop. “I hate you!” she screams at one point, possibly during cake, and disappears to her room. The better part of this season is spent watching Madison either crying or writing truly awful poetry while her parents try in vain to figure out “what’s wrong” with her. In one touching episode, Madison wakes from a scary dream and seeks comfort in her parents’ bed, where she proceeds to complain about their sheets, kick them both all night and then yell at them for waking her up in the morning. Season three ends with Madison cutting off all her hair and then blaming her mother when it looks fucking terrible. (Madison’s mom *might* flip her daughter off behind her back when she flounces from the room.)
Season Four: Madison Turns Sixteen
Season four opens with Madison’s sixteenth birthday party. Except for fuckssake don’t call it a “party” because parties are for losers, it’s just some friends coming over to hang out, my God how lame can you be? This is the last we see of Madison in the flesh for the entirety of season four. All interaction comes through texting (IDK, WTF and WHATEV are seen on-screen a lot). Madison’s parents try coaxing her to join them on a handful of family outings, but their efforts are weak and their relief when she declines is palpable. Against their better judgment considering her attitude, Madison’s parents buy her a car so that she can help with things like grocery store runs and driving her little brother and sister to at least a few of their many activities. HAHAHAHAHA that never happens, literally not once. Season four ends with Madison’s parents actually counting the days until she graduates and—God willing—moves out. (IT’S FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY-TWO, OKAY?)
Season Five: Madison Turns Seventeen
Season five opens with Madison’s seventeenth birthday party, which is an eleven-hundred-dollar sushi dinner for twenty of her closest friends. (Mom and Dad are allowed to sit at a nearby table and pick up the bill. That’s all. Are we clear?) Madison spends the bulk of season five arguing with her parents about college (what do they mean they haven’t saved enough for Stanford?), food (it’s her body and she can be a fish-eating vegan if she wants to be, and why didn’t they buy more spelt? hello, she ran out yesterday), and curfew (Ellie Parker, Julia McPherson AND Katie Greenbaum are all allowed to stay out until midnight, life is so totally unfair). The only reason Mr. and Mrs. Hormonalhotmess don’t just kick that bitch out of the house is because other people frequently tell them they’ve seen Madison saying or doing things that are actually kind and decent. Besides, the end is in sight, so they reluctantly continue to put up with her shit. Season five ends with Madison using a fake ID to get her first tattoo: a giant dreamcatcher on the back of her right shoulder she’s one thousand percent positive she’ll never regret. Ahem.
Season Six: Madison Turns Eighteen
Season six opens with Madison’s eighteenth birthday party. It’s technically a combination birthday/graduation party and Madison is on her best behavior because she heard you can rake in a couple grand at these things if you play your cards right. Madison’s mom gets shitfaced but Madison can’t even say one thing because her parents said they would pay her college tuition and now they threaten to take that away, no joke, like every single day. Season six is a bittersweet blur of parties and epiphanies (there’s one particularly touching scene where Madison and her mom both cry after the college drop-off; it’s one of those split-screen things and you’re going to want to have some Kleenex handy). More than a handful of episodes show Madison drunk dialing her parents late at night to tell them she actually misses them or to apologize for being a total douche all those years (and also can they put some more money in her account?). Season six ends with Madison announcing that she just landed a paid internship and offering (offering!) to start paying her own car insurance. Madison’s mom gives her husband a rare BJ to celebrate finally getting a financial fucking break out of this kid.
Season Seven: Madison Turns Nineteen
Season seven opens with Madison’s nineteenth birthday party. To her parents’ unbridled delight, Madison requested an intimate dinner at home and begged for her mom’s famous lasagna. (BTW Madison quit the fake-vegan thing a while ago. She even laughs about it now!) She’s brought home her new boyfriend Aiden, a pre-med water polo player with a trust fund, a passion for travel and a disdain for body art. Madison’s parents threaten one another with divorce if either of them “fucks this one up.” To be honest, this season sort of sucks because Madison is hardly ever a total fucking bitch anymore, even cleaning up after herself and offering to help her mom around the house whenever she’s home. Season seven ends with Madison announcing she’s pregnant with Aiden’s roommate’s brother’s baby and is moving back home immediately. (Just kidding! Season seven ends with Madison lying face-down on a hospital-style bed, her delicate young hand clutching her mother’s slightly spotted one tightly while a doctor skillfully removes the last trace of that godawful fucking dreamcatcher tattoo.) Final credits roll.